I’d Like to be a Football Player

If I haven’t mentioned it before, I love football.  I love real football and fantasy football and on Saturdays, college football.  And I love the Saints the most.

I can’t play football – I don’t know who can – and I only understand half of what is going on, but I love football season and everything that comes along with it.  Part of that is pre-season.  Which until today, I’ve never even thought about.  But I have a friend who offered me tickets to the Saints-Ravens pre-season game and without hesitation I was en route to Baltimore to attend.  It’s not very often a Yankee such as myself gets to watch the Saints live.  The only problem is that the game is today, a Thursday, and the rest of the world isn’t retired.  So, I figured while everyone who I am here to hang out with works, I’ll blog for the first time in 28 days (eeek sorry about that) and see who I can scout out.

It’s funny, because I figured the players would be difficult to spot.  Not. So. Much. While my one friend sits in her office, and my other friend preps for pre-game, I’m sipping a Blue Moon in the hotel lobby which is SWARMING with players.  Massive black men decked out in SAINTS gear from head to toe.  Like visors with box SAINTS letters, sweatshirts that say SAINTS, pants that say SAINTS down each leg.  So much for being discrete.  However, spoiler alert – they aren’t trying to be discrete!  I just watched one of them walk up to a girl,introduce himself, shake her hand and put her number in his phone within seconds of the conversation occurring.  Others are sitting in booths with their wives and kids and friends and family.  Do you know why? Because they can.  “Oh hey, we’re going to a random pre-season game in Baltimore – let’s fly in the entire family, the pets and the in-laws.”  And I don’t even know these players names – imagine being Drew Brees or Mark Ingram.

So here’s what we have concluded:  Being a football player is great.  Your presence commands the room.  If people don’t know who you are, that’s okay!  They will quickly learn since you’re a walking advertising for yourself.  You’re making enough money to spend all of your time with all of your loved ones no matter where you are located.  Your life is actually the coolest.  And you have nerdy blog girls trying to play it cool in her subtle Saints hoodie watching you from the other side of the bar.  I mean that in the least creepy way humanly possible.  And you can tell here that is true!  I haven’t even taken photos yet.  But I’ll also be on the field in a couple of hours so the non-creepy ends here.

On that note…

WHO DAT SAY DEY GON BEAT DEM SAINTS?!?!

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This One is for Steph

Earlier this year I went to a decent number of basketball games.  They were really fun because I was in the owners box but also because in basketball, someone is obligated to win, so although the Sixers couldn’t get it done, the other team would.

During that time I fell for my new athletic man of the hour, Steph Curry.  I’m a playoff NBA fan so don’t know much about what’s going on in the regular season – BUT I learned about Steph early this year, thanks to this phenomenal SportCenter commercial:

It was really exciting to get to watch him play against the Sixers.  It was actually a fantastic game on both sides.  And now he’s in the Finals.  And everyone outside of Cleveland’s fair weather, hypocritical, jersey burning fans are looking to see him bring in a Championship. (That’s nothing against Lebron – just the haters.)  It’s fun to have a reason to get excited about the Finals when the Pelicans get knocked out early and your home team sets records for most losses in NBA history.

Keep up the good work out there, Golden State and Steph!  I can’t wait to hang out with Riley all the time some day!

The Queen of Mediocrity

One of the beauties of not having a job is being available 24 hours a day 7 days a week to tune into breaking news stories and the announcements of jury verdicts.  Ten minutes ago, Ex-Patriots TE Aaron Hernandez was found guilty of 1st-degree murder and unlawful possession of firearms for shooting up a guy he was mad at, execution style, outside of a nightclub in 2013.  Such a verdict results in an automatic sentence of life in prison without the possibility of parole.  My facts may be slightly skewed, but just before the murder happened, 23 year old Aaron Hernandez signed a 7 year, almost $40 million dollar contract to become the future face of the New England Patriots.  You have to be extremely talented to be offered a contract as such from such a prestigious organization.  Extremely talented at a skill that many others do not have.

Pondering the way Aaron Hernandez has thrown his future of success and fame away because it was more important to be a thug got me thinking about my talents.  Or lack there of for that matter.  I am not good at anything.  I always wanted to be the best at something or stand out in some way – but I’m pretty much the mold of average.  So I thought I’d make a list of all the ways in which I am the Queen of Mediocrity…

Darcy: When I was looking to adopt a dog, I searched solely among the handicapped ones.  I wanted to help someone and I wanted a dog that no one else wanted.  Darcy had been thrown away in a dumpster as a baby due to a birth defect which left her without back paws.   She was the ideal candidate – she was small, precious and I was afraid a dog in a wheel chair would struggle with the stairs in my apartment.  I adopted Darcy when she was 7 months old and was prepared to teach her how to walk and live and survive the elements.  I thought it would be us against the rest of man-kind, conquering her handicap as we conquered the world.  And I was wrong.  My foot-less dog is just like every other dog.  She runs and plays and jumps and sits.  No one is going to follow her Instagram to see her acting normal.  She has trouble sometimes and doesn’t really use one leg – but it’s there!  I debate getting it amputated sometimes but I don’t think the conversation with the vet would go over well.  “Will you please remove my dog’s half leg?  I don’t think she needs it and I want to get her more followers on Instagram.” Only the Queen of Mediocrity would adopt a dog who wasn’t handicapped enough…

Academia: I was never bad at school.  I was also never good at school. I was just smack dab in the middle.  This meant that no one was impressed by you but they weren’t worried about you either.  So you just kind of fall into the mode.  In high school you do all the normal classes and get out.  Then they suggest you go to the mediocre colleges in the general area.  So you do.  And while you’re there you have a mediocre college experience – I loved college, don’t get me wrong, but we never had a football team win the SEC Championship, people didn’t envy my relationship with the most amazing co-ed on campus, teachers didn’t pull me out of class to say I think you would be great for this internship or say you’re failing – let’s have an affair and get you back up to a C.  I graduated like everyone else – no extra tassels but on time.  Every so often I think about going back but considering I can’t figure out what I would excel in I don’t see the point.  This even follows me now.  I can read – but not that well.  Math – I can’t really count past ten, but I’m a wizard on a calculator. I can’t really remember things that I did learn.  Science is a blur, history is hard to keep straight, grammar – you can decide for yourself.  Only the Queen of Mediocrity would start a blog but forget the rules of comma placement…

Career: I feel like the people who were straight A students and the people who seem like they were born with half a brain are the ones who are the most successful.  Companies scramble to sign the best students before they’ve finished their junior year.  People who couldn’t pass a class end up as inspirational speakers or the founder of Apple.  All of my post college full time jobs have been mediocre.  I’ve never loved any of them and only moved on when I was too miserable to move.  But now that I’m back in the job hunt I can tell you that no matter what job is posted, you are either over or under qualified for all of them.  Either I have too much experience, not enough experience, too much or too little education.  I want to know how Bill Gates became employed, let alone wealthier than a small continent, without a college degree.  I’m not mad, but I graduated – I did mediocre – and I don’t have a job… Maybe it comes down to what you want to do.  I performed fine at my last job but was bored as hell.  I worked for a boring company with boring people doing boring things making a boring amount of money.  Only the Queen of Mediocrity would choose being bored at home than bored being paid…

Athletics: My brothers are star baseball players.  So much of my childhood revolved around watching my brothers play, going to pitching clinics, tossing baseballs in the driveway.  So obviously I must be athletic, right?  Wrong.  Once, when I played softball in elementary school, they added me as a 10th position in the outfield because they needed me to help with backup (I think it was the other way around) and they told me that they needed me to bat 9th because they needed a strong hitter at the end of the line up.  I can remember standing up there and thinking “four pitches – if she throws four bad pitches I can get on base…”  I also remember I hated running the bases because if someone was behind me I felt like they were chasing me.  I tried field hockey in high school but hated running and didn’t understand the concept of positions.  I actually loved the game itself  but I was terrible.  Wherever the ball went, I went – I would cut off people on my own team to get to the ball.  Did I ever score a goal?  Of course not – but I took the ball away from the girls who could have until I ran out of breath!  Once I went to basketball tryouts and when they asked me to shoot a layup I asked what that meant.  I have the lowest average on my bowling team.  I like to run 5Ks now.  Mainly because they’re for charity so I feel like I’m doing a good thing.  I always finish just under 40 minutes – pretty much right in the middle of all of the other runners.  Only the Queen of Mediocrity would pay for a race she had no intention of winning…

Relationships: I’ve had three boyfriends.  All relationships were pretty normal.  Of course at the time they were the be all end all of my world whether it was a good or bad day.  My high school boyfriend was pretty standard.  Proms, making out in cars, jealous fights, graduation parties, breaking up for college.  There’s a strong chance he’s gay now but that’s another story.  My college boyfriend was really nice.  My family loved him.  I thought he was boring.  We broke up for real life.  My after college boyfriend was awful but he was attractive and fun.  He was the always striving for perfection only to be let down type.  Maybe we didn’t work out because I was mediocre.  I always thought it was his anger/cheating issues, but what do I know.  He has a blog right now too – apparently it’s about walking the Appalachian trail.  We both left our jobs on the same day and started blogs – maybe his is inspirational, but I got to go to Phillies Opening Day and am not writing from a squirrel infested tent and suffering from malaria.  At least that’s what I like to think he’s doing.  Anyway – back on point.  I am attracted to normal guys and then we get into normal relationships and something about the timing has always broken us up.  Only the Queen of Mediocrity would still be single because the nice one who everyone liked was “too boring”…

Sports:  I love baseball and football.  When I couldn’t play anything, I watched.  I’ve been in fantasy football leagues for five years, adding a league on each year.  My calculator says that means I’ve had 15 fantasy football teams.  I have never won.  I’ve gone to the championship a couple of times, but never won.  I am a die hard New Orleans Saints and Philadelphia Phillies fan.  I’m fortunate to have seen both of them win championships, but sad to say that they have both embarked upon steady organizational declines ever since.  In fact, the Phillies won the 2008 World Series and the Saints won the 2009 Superbowl.  There is a really good chance that Who Dat and Phillies Nation and I have already peaked. Regardless, I still want to be in the know about current events in the sports world and how they relate to previous seasons, etc… It is something I would say I am passionate about, but even when I think I know more than everyone around me, I’m either confused or some dude knows more.   Only the Queen of Mediocrity would constantly mix up Joe Montana and Dan Marino…

I could continue to list for a long time but it’s starting to sound self deprecating.  Which isn’t the intention at all – I like myself, I’m not bad at everything, but I’m not good at anything either.  I’ve always wanted a tattoo, but am too afraid of the commitment so always go with piercings.  But I don’t want to pierce anything too wild so all said piercings are in my ears.  I’m attractive enough but there are more attractive people.  I’m not fat, but I’m not skinny.  My apartment is big but not nice.  My car is efficient but not luxury.

This takes me back to Aaron Hernandez.  At 23 he was being gainfully rewarded for his abilities.  And then he made some awful decisions.  And thought he was invincible and in fact was just a bad person.  At 25, Aaron Hernandez has been sentenced to life in prison, to be followed by a year for each unlawful firearms charge.  I think it’s sad that he didn’t realize how precious his life was and chose the road he did.  But it also makes me think, maybe being average is the key.  Maybe I don’t have it so bad.  I don’t have $40 million dollars, but I’m not going to spend the rest of my life in prison and I’m happy knowing I am who I am.  Sorry to all of those out there who are good at something or looking for a designation, Queen of Mediocrity has been taken.