Shark Attack

A couple of years ago my maternal family was shocked to learn that DreamWorks would be making a movie about a big green ogre who shared their last name.  No one knew what an ogre was, at the time no one expected him to be remotely lovable, and it quickly became known that their last name meant “Fear” in German.

Thank goodness for the Irish.

I always thought this was funny because it really brought Shrek and me closer together and I could make fun of my cousins but I could hide behind my paternal last name and it was only something that people found out about me when I wanted to use it as a fun fact.

Karma has retaliated.

I would like to thank Eli Roth for taking on the project to make a movie about a shark named Meg.  I can’t even hide from this one once I’ve gotten married.  It was bad enough getting compared to the loser sister on Family Guy, but now I’m going to be a giant, prehistoric, man eating shark?  That just isn’t fair…

I learned of the project here: http://variety.com/2015/film/news/eli-roth-direct-giant-shark-thriller-meg-for-warner-bros-1201520955/

Get ready… I’m coming… Insert Jaws music here…

image image (1)

Advertisements

180 Month Anniversary

Today, in honor of being retired and it being the 180th month in a row (exactly 15 years infact!) that my body has decided to remind me that I’m a female, I’ve decided to take it upon myself to make two of my favorite things – cannolis and blood orange margaritas.  Because as a woman, once a month, every month, between the ages of 12 and what sounds like forever, I deserve to be able to eat and drink whatever I want, during whatever time of day I please and assume it is all calorie free.  When you have a job – you can’t drink blood orange margaritas at noon… but guess what?  I don’t have a job.  Yesssssss.

Now when I came up with this idea last week I thought it would be the most grueling experience I’ve ever encountered.  I’m not much of a baker and I just never thought about the painstaking tears that probably go into growing the blood orange trees on my roof deck in the middle of the city in order to make the perfect margarita.  When I told my dear friend, ginger-eyes, at bowling league the other night about my plan to sacrifice my Tuesday to master the art of cannolis and blood orange margaritas, she laughed and said “those are like the two easiest things ever to make.”  Then she told my other friend, who we’ll call master baker, who laughed as well, rattled off the four ingredients I needed, and went back to bowling.

Everyone should strive to have friends who support your period cravings like mine do.  So I’m going to prove to both of them how difficult this process actually is.  There is no way making cannolis or the world’s best margarita comes easy to the Queen of Mediocrity…

 

image2

Cannolis:

Step 1: Find a recipe – There are seven million recipes out there for both things, so this wasn’t hard at all.

Step 2: Purchase ingredients – Ah ha!  Now this took me all morning.  Ricotta, sugar, chocolate chips – sure, they’re in any grocery store and there’s an entire shelf of tequila and triple sec in Wine and Spirits.  But have you ever tried to find blood oranges or cannoli shells on a Tuesday morning?  Because it’s a nightmare.  I actually got super lucky with the oranges because there was a parking spot outside of Reading Terminal Market that was radiating angel lights towards me when I drove up Arch street and the produce market inside had a plethora of them.  Cannoli shells were a nightmare to find. Termini Brothers had a huge stack of shells on both sides of their counter.  But they wouldn’t sell them to be without filling.  So I went to every other bakery in the market and everyone recommended I try Termini.  So then I started calling bakeries.  Everyone had shells but no one would sell them to me.  Just because I wanted to master the art of cannolis doesn’t mean I wanted to buy a deep fryer, destroy my kitchen and ruin the whole process trying to make the shells.  Then there wouldn’t have been a blog post.

Finally – Talluto’s Authentic Italian Food down in the Italian Market sold them.  So thank you Talluto’s – you saved the blog post and the whole day!

Step 3 – Come home and distract your dog.  When I cook, Darcy likes to sit at my feet and bark because she can’t see what’s going on and wants to eat all of the smells.  Sometimes I let her sit on the counter but then she walks on my computer and I lose the last 500 words and then we have trust issues.  SO someone is getting showered with treats all day to leave me alone.

image1

Step 4: Clear the beer out of your refrigerator At the ripe ages of 24 and 25 (give or take a couple of years…), my roommate and I live like frat boys.  Sometimes there is food in our fridge, but it’s primarily filled with beer and condiments.  Yesterday I went to Target with a two item shopping list – solo cups and trash bags.  Since cannolis and blood orange margaritas are both cold, you should make sure the beer is strategically arranged so you can fit your two new treats.

Step 5: Dance with your dog – If Heartbeat Song by Kelly Clarkson comes on Pandora, sing it to your dog, because it will make her leave you alone a little.  And also it will buy you some time on starting to make your cannolis because you know if you screw this up ginger-eyes, master baker and roommate will never let you live it down.

Step 6: Combine initial ingredients-  Add ricotta, sugar and vanilla extract to a bowl and stir together.

Step 7: Taste test

Step 8: Add more sugar

Step 9: Taste Test

Step 10: Get distracted dancing with your dog to Meghan Trainor’s Lips are Moving.

Step 11: Tear your kitchen apart looking for the beaters for your hand mixer.  When the heck was the last time you used a hand mixer?  And whatever happened to your mom getting you that Kitchen Aid she mentioned?  Make a note to call your mom about said Kitchen Aid.

Step 12: Whip up some heavy whipping cream-  This process takes the exact amount of time as Sam Hunt’s version of Cop Car.  And your computer speakers will not be louder than the hand mixer.  First bummer of the day. Oh and add sugar to this.  You’ll know it’s finished when it looks like something you wish you could roll around in forever.

Step 13: Wish your dog was a child – (for the first and last time ever) because it would be so fun to give her the beaters to lick whipped cream off of.  Remember how fun that was?

Step 14: Be glad your dog isn’t a child – other than for obvious reasons, you need those beaters again.  Mix the whipped cream into the ricotta mix.  It’s a lot easier with beaters.  And without dog breath.

Step 15: Realize you missed a step… Try to figure out where the chocolate chips were supposed to be added.

Step 16: Improvise – add more chocolate chips than it says.  Just because that seems like a good idea.

Step 17: Let chill – This sucks I wanted to eat them now, but I guess this buys sometimes to make myself a marg!  We’ll continue these steps in a half hour.

image3

Blood Orange Margaritas:

In college I was the master original margarita maker.  Once, when I didn’t have all of the ingredients I needed, I went out and bought a pre-made margarita mix and some tequila and came home and made them for my roommates.  They were SO good but SO strong.  No one could understand why we were all asleep after 2 margaritas and before the sun went down.  Later, when cleaning, we read the bottle and saw there was already tequila in the mix.  Whoops!

Anyway, 6 years later, we’re going to add a blood orange twist.  Because all of the Mexican restaurants do it, so we can too!

Step 1: Try to find the pitcher you haven’t used since last summer.

Step 2: Call your roommate to ask where it is – there’s nothing like getting a call while you’re at work from your retired roommate at 1:19 on a Tuesday afternoon asking where the margarita pitcher is.

Step 3: Realize a full pitcher is aggressive – there’s only one of you.  And now it’s only 1:21.  Maybe only making one is the right approach.  Then realize you don’t have margarita glasses.  Although I’m pretty sure my mom said she had some for me.  Add that to the list of things to call your mom about.

Step 4: Measure out ingredients – use your favorite shot glass (the one from your roommate’s frat – because SHE was in a frat) to measure out tequila, triple sec, and lime juice

Step 5: Juice the blood oranges – Ummm are these supposed to look so weird on the inside?

Step 6: Google what blood oranges are supposed to look like –  Crisis averted, we’re good

Step 7: Rim the glass – I’m the queen of doing this after I made the drink SO make your drink in a shaker or different glass.  This can also be done while holding your dog – so everyone wins.

Step 8: Shake your ingredients – don’t stir.  James Bond would be proud.

Step 9: Transfer ingredients from shaker cup to rimmed glass.  Garnish with something adorable like an orange slice or the mint I forgot to buy.

image4

Step 10: Try.

Now let’s say you’re an hour into this blog post and the margarita is terrible.  I sure hope I didn’t lose my knack for alcoholic sweetness in college!  Maybe this is just a bad recipe.  Let’s start adding stuff!

Step 11: Add way more orange juice.

Step 12: Agave. Agave. Agave.

Step 13: More lime please.

Step 14: Shake, shake, shake.

Step 15: Brace yourself, try again…

MUCH BETTER!

Now I think our cannolis are ready to be added to their shells.  Keep in mind, I don’t have one of those fancy squeeze bag things that they use at the bakeries (hint, hint, mom…) so let’s see how this goes!

Step 18: Add cannoli filling to cannoli shells – you can do it with a spoon the fancy squeezer thing is totally unnecessary (scratch that, mom.)  But this also probably should have been in the fridge longer it’s a little runny.

Step 19: Try… MUCH better than the margarita massacre!

IMG_2077

So what have we learned today?

– Sugar is the key to success in all things

– Cannolis, as predicted, are not that hard.  But finding their shells is.

– We should let the experts stick with the blood orange margaritas.

Now I’m going to go eat this bad boy, wrap some up for my friend, frozen peanut butter, who I know will love them regardless, and come up with my recipes for next month.  I’m thinking Sangria and something lemony.

I can’t wait for my roommate to come home and clean up this mess! God speed ladies!