There are No Winter Wonderlands

You know what sucks?  Every season that isn’t summer.  Over the course of the last year I was very adamant about moving South.  And once the time to do so got closer, I started making up excuses about why I didn’t want to leave – one of which was not wanting to miss out on all four of the beautiful changing seasons.

Once I did decide to stay, we were thrown into the most mild of winters ever.  It was 70 degrees on Christmas Day.  There was no precipitation in the forecast.  And all I could think was ‘Gosh this is a bummer – where is the winter!’

Well, last week we got snow.  And cold.  And clouds.  And we plummeted deep into the heart of sad, sick, winter depression.

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This sucks.  I’ve been in a bad mood for a straight week.  Darcy won’t go in the snow and when she does she eats the salt and then throws up all day.  I have more bruises from falling than a battered piece of fruit.  I’ve spent half my life savings on Uber surge fees and more hours than I can count sitting in traffic and listening to cars slam on their horns due to Philadelphia’s aversion to plowing their streets.

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Nothing good comes from the snow.  You’re pale.  Your Uggs get ruined.  You’re cold.  Who ever wants to be cold?  Winter drinks are like – White Russians and Hot Toddys.  The summer is filled with sunshine and margaritas and happiness and baseball.  You know what sports the winter has after football season?  Me neither – because hockey is boring.

I’ll leave you with this.  The most amusement to come out of a blizzard.  Here’s hoping again that PETA hasn’t figured me out yet…

She was less than thrilled.

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Happy Birthday to Ya!

In about a half an hour I’ll officially be 28 years old.  How is that even possible?!  Time flies when you’re having fun it seems.

I love birthdays.  It’s a whole day to celebrate the fact that you were born and everyone else acknowledges it as well!  And if you know me, I deserve a whole day to celebrate that I’ve kept myself alive for this long.  I have a cousin who calls at the crack of dawn every single 6/29 to sing this to me.  It’s my favorite birthday song and I hope everyone out there listens to it and has just as amazing 6/29 as I plan to!

  

Penny Pinching for Puppies

Once during an interview a few months ago, someone asked me why I got up every morning to go to work.  I think during the time I was trying to convince him that I truly loved and felt fulfilled with my work and was now looking for a new growth opportunity when in fact I had just left and was actually suffering from serious corporate America PTSD and couldn’t have cared less if he hired me or not.

It was a really difficult question to answer – it was a difficult question to even lie about.  Why does anyone go to work other than to get paid?  If you were told you could be paid to lay on a beach with your dog and a plethora of great books and swarms of gorgeous tanned men who walk by in fifteen minute intervals to tell you how beautiful you look or offer to reapply your sunscreen, and take your margarita order, would you sit in an office or try to sweet talk someone into buying computer software?  I don’t think so…

Over time (the last 20 minutes) I have come up with the following list of answers, many of which wouldn’t be interview suitable:

  1. There is free food in the break room all the time and they don’t pay me enough to eat and I’m hungry a lot
  2. I’m having an affair with someone a couple of cubicals down from me and I love the game
  3. I am the boss and I love to watch people fear how much they love me
  4. My job is super easy and I like feeling smart
  5. No one pays attention to what I do while I’m there so I use the time to catch up on my shows
  6. I have rap battles with the guys in the mail room and I’m so close to winning one of them
  7. I can access my 401(k) in a short 11,315 days and I want to watch it grow until then
  8. I can’t stand being at home with my kids because they remind me too much of my significant other and I only married them because he/she was rich and I didn’t want to have to work
  9. I wouldn’t survive a day on the streets
  10. I don’t want to work but I’m saving up to buy drums that I can bang on all day

I think I used my Public Relations background to respond with words like “the rush” and “the thrill” to make my job sound incredible.  If he believed me I’m disappointed in him because on the inside I was counting down the days until I left on vacation.  But really, other than a pay check and the financial sustainability aspect of it all, why does anyone go to work?  You could have hobbies, you could volunteer, you could have kids to take care of, this isn’t to say anyone should just be sitting at home – you can be successful in other ways.  If you love your job, more power to you – I am beyond jealous.  But why do you love it?  It’s a deep question – why do you go out and do what you do all day long for the vast majority of your life.  If it’s more than that – I’d love to know.

My parents got me this, ironically right after I entered into retirement.  I love it. Mainly because now that I’m leaving for work at random hours and sometimes more than once a day, my dog is furious about it.  But I think it suits me!

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And otherwise neither of us are going to eat.  She is getting better and better at giving me disapproving looks. For example, the other day, when she tried to hide in the messiest part of my closet so I couldn’t find her and then stared at me like this…

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Next job requirements: Dog Friendly Office…

So Much Sacred in the Month of June

I’m in a great mood this morning.  I don’t know exactly why.  Maybe it’s because my sweatshirt smells like sun screen.  Maybe it’s because of how precious my dog was as she tried to keep her eyes open when I took her out before work.  Maybe I’m delusional from only getting four hours of sleep?  Maybe it was the awesome girls training me last night who secretly tipped me, or the super sweet note the girl before me at the gym left.  Maybe it’s because my current responsibilities include wearing work out clothes and listening to Britney Spears Pandora. Maybe it’s because the Phillies beat the Yankees. Who knows?  But it’s nice to be happy about waking up in the morning.  Being happy is fantastic. IMG_5188 I love the month of June.  It’s officially summer.  Days are longer.  You wake up to sunshine.  When you walk out of a building at night time the breeze is warmer than the inside you just left.  It’s almost my birthday.  I love birthdays.  There are beer gardens galore.  People are out and about.  I can bring Darcy with me almost everywhere.  And I love being with Darcy.

FullSizeRender Even if something happens in the next hour and today goes horribly wrong, I’m feeling sentimental about this moment. I feel at peace with this moment. It’s a long lost feeling that we need to take a step back and recognize more often.

This is one of my favorite songs of all time.  I think it’s perfect for today.  Enjoy – I’ll be listening to it on repeat.

Chew This – Not That!

For reasons that I’ll address in length tomorrow, I spent a lot of time in bed today doing things like reading (read: sleeping) and scouring the internet for job ideas and life paths (read: watching YouTube videos.)

IMG_5353I am sorry if I post too much about my dog (I’m not, I’m reallllly not) but I just couldn’t pass up the opportunity to share this video with my favorite followers (yes, that’s you!) and those pet lovers who may stumble across my online repository of thoughts…

Why is it so hysterical when your dog is under your covers?  Why don’t they remember the things you JUST talked about?  How come my dog loves cheese but the internet says it’s going to kill her? Why did she have to roll around in the dog park today when I gave her a bath 24 hours before?! I’ve related to every moment of this at some point in the last year.

Enjoy!

No Regard for Personal Space

My dog is 12 pounds.  When she plays with bigger dogs or barks at the window washers, she thinks she’s 100 pounds.  When she wants to leap onto your lap or lay on top of you at night, she thinks she’s no pounds.

It is funny to watch because she really has no fear.  There was a massive dog in the dog park this morning who wanted nothing to do with her and was likely going to take her face off if we got any closer.  My self declared doberman was pulling with all of her might to get closer anyway.  Maybe she just doesn’t understand social queues.  Who knows?

Right now she’s mad at me and sulking under my comforter because she kept walking across my computer.  She does it for attention – at first I didn’t care, but then when she closed out of a 500 word post and now I can’t get the number 6 to work properly, I had to put my foot down and break it to her that her feather like demeanor is actually much heavier.

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Update: to prove my point… 

 

Small Miracles are All Around Us

Walking to training class today, I was thinking to myself about how Darcy was never going to graduate.  And how it’s a huge bummer because she is very good at home.  She listens like… maybe 70% of the time and she’s great at her commands.  But she won’t perform in class and they’re never going to believe me when I tell them she  listens.

However, when we got to class, a miracle happened.  Darcy sat on command.  She listened to her name.  She laid down while I stood up (since clearly we both had to lay down for learning purposes.) She stayed.  She attempted to heel.

Today – my little dog GRADUATED OBEDIENCE 1!!!

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When the instructor made the announcement I said “Stop! Are you serious?!  I never thought we would graduate!”  Demonstrating strong confidence in my dog’s abilities.

Mutual thrill level

Mutual thrill level

As a reward we bought a duck foot treat.  She didn’t put it down the whole walk home.

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Therapy Dog Certification – we’re so close!! Just a lot of more steps to go!

Therapy Dog: 101

Yesterday was Darcy’s first Obedience 101 training.  I was so excited.  I figured by the time we walked out of her first class she would know how to do back flips and speak French.  It was going to be fantastic.

The entire class was a nightmare.  My dog, who lives on a strict diet of treats, more treats and the occasional meal, wouldn’t even acknowledge the beef liver and chicken scratch bribes I brought for her.  She acted like she’d never heard her name.  She wanted to smell the equipment, she wanted to growl at the other dogs, she wanted to lick the floor.  I have a lot of nightmares, but this was one I wasn’t waking up from.

It was the longest and shortest hour of my life.  Longest because I couldn’t control her but shortest because I kept waiting for things to click in her mind until all of the sudden class was over.  It was exhausting – emotionally for me, and physically for Darcy, who had me carry her the whole way home.

I was distraught.  My dreams of my two footed, three and a half legged therapy dog had been dashed.  I’ll always have to pay for her to fly on an airplane.  She’ll never be welcomed into a restaurant.  Hospital patients will have a restraining order against her.  How will she ever inspire babies born with abnormalities or military amputees? That was going to be the plot of my third book!

She stared at me like this until I picked her up.

She stared at me like this until I picked her up. Great smile though…

This morning I thought I would give it one more shot.  The training place was lucky that since I had already bought a package of five (cough – ten) classes, I have to go back.  And I don’t want to be that girl with the dog who doesn’t graduate.  We may be Queens of Mediocrity, but we are not failures!

So we gave it a try.  And lo and behold, Darcy is a genius.  She knew the hand motions for sit immediately.  She remembered her name! After a decent amount of practice, she mastered “down.”   When my dog is at home and not distracted and when she is being showered with treats and praise she is literally the smartest dog on the planet.  I cannot be more thrilled.  Don’t worry child hospital psychiatric wards – we are on the way!

Back in the Office

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I finally made it back up to my office today.  It’s been abnormally cold the last week or so and I’ve been confined to the walls of my apartment.  Darcy and I went for a walk down around Independence Hall and the Constitution Center this morning which was when I realized we were back in business.

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It took twenty minutes to actually get up here. Our stairs are so steep that if you forget something it’s usually not worth the effort to go down and get it.  Here’s what I brought up:

A glass of water (I get thirsty)

A bottle of water (Darcy gets thirsty)

A bag of ice (water gets warm)

A hoagie (I get hungry) IMG_4444

Darcy’s bowl (filled with ice cubes for distractions)

My cell phone (for Instagram)

My cell phone charger (necessity)

My computer (to relay my thoughts)

My computer charger (necessity)

A notebook (as you know – I have a lot of thoughts)

The book I am reading (The Girl on the Train)

A blanket (it’s always chilly in Philadelphia)

A sweatshirt (see above)

A bone for Darcy (distractions)

Dog treats for Darcy (distractions)

Speakers (it isn’t an office if it isn’t playing country music)

My keys (otherwise my crazy French neighbors might break in)

So far I don’t think I’ve missed anything. Darcy is chasing a bumble bee despite my warnings (so much for distractions) and I’m laying on the deck writing in the sunshine.  I’m trying so hard to miss my cubical and my boring day job but just cannot seem to get there.  Retirement is a beautiful thing, y’all.


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