There are No Winter Wonderlands

You know what sucks?  Every season that isn’t summer.  Over the course of the last year I was very adamant about moving South.  And once the time to do so got closer, I started making up excuses about why I didn’t want to leave – one of which was not wanting to miss out on all four of the beautiful changing seasons.

Once I did decide to stay, we were thrown into the most mild of winters ever.  It was 70 degrees on Christmas Day.  There was no precipitation in the forecast.  And all I could think was ‘Gosh this is a bummer – where is the winter!’

Well, last week we got snow.  And cold.  And clouds.  And we plummeted deep into the heart of sad, sick, winter depression.

jess

This sucks.  I’ve been in a bad mood for a straight week.  Darcy won’t go in the snow and when she does she eats the salt and then throws up all day.  I have more bruises from falling than a battered piece of fruit.  I’ve spent half my life savings on Uber surge fees and more hours than I can count sitting in traffic and listening to cars slam on their horns due to Philadelphia’s aversion to plowing their streets.

fall

Nothing good comes from the snow.  You’re pale.  Your Uggs get ruined.  You’re cold.  Who ever wants to be cold?  Winter drinks are like – White Russians and Hot Toddys.  The summer is filled with sunshine and margaritas and happiness and baseball.  You know what sports the winter has after football season?  Me neither – because hockey is boring.

I’ll leave you with this.  The most amusement to come out of a blizzard.  Here’s hoping again that PETA hasn’t figured me out yet…

She was less than thrilled.

darcy

Advertisements

In a Flash like That, Recognize I’m back

I am sorry to all 54 or so of my followers for my absence the last 28 days and the fact that all of the posts prior to that were just blogging about how I really needed to blog. As the wise rapper T.I. once said, “I’m back.”  Life has finally settled down and my thoughts have cleared out well enough that I can put them into words again.  Or at least in some capacity.  Let’s see how far we get.

Over the course of the last month, I left my gym job and have become a full time waitress.  And it has been great.  I’ve finally gotten the knack of knowing what I need to do and when to do it, I’ve made some nice new work friends, I’ve gotten on the good side of the kitchen so I get free food, and I’ve sweet talked at least 10 people into starting a fantasy football league.  I’m in.

It’s exciting to start to feel like ‘me’ again, as cliche as that may sound.  Misery drains your energy and your feeling of self worth and your desire to live your life, and no one should live that way.  I’m no expert on happiness, but I know the difference between being happy and wanting to hide in your closet every day of the week to avoid the rest of the world and I now know that the former is preferred.  I’m not 100% recovered yet, but at least I’m on the way.

I’m having a wonderfully relaxed couple of days and someone just walked by me and said “I like the way you work!”  Let’s set the stage:  I’m in a hotel lobby which is full of players from my favorite football team.  I’m wearing leggings and a sweatshirt.  I’m drinking a Blue Moon and listening to country music.  My feet are up on the chair next to me and I’m blogging.  I love that this was just deemed “work.”  Because I do have a job where I get paid which I very much enjoy and I love to keep up with my blog when I have time.  And it’s obviously going to be a book deal one day, right?  What’s that silly quote?  Something like, “If you love what you do, you’ll never work a day in your life?”  Well if that’s the case right now, I love working.

Enough with the sappy emo nonsense.  Let’s jot down what else has happened over my blog-less 28 days:

One: Darcy turned two years old!! Can you believe it?!  Despite her insistence on running into traffic or massive treat consumption, she has managed to survive for two whole years!  Clearly there was a celebration…

IMG_6323

IMG_6321

Two: I met my favorite baseball player of all time, Darren Daulton.  I couldn’t speak to him for a long time.  Eventually I did, but mainly I just stared and waved like the biggest nerd ever.  But he was really nice and took a picture with my brother and me, with which I have wallpapered my room.

IMG_6239

IMG_6249

Three: I had a fabulous weekend in our Nation’s capital with my college friends.  An imperative member was missing (that’s you Bailey!) but there’s nothing like getting together with people you have such a strong history with.  It was so much fun.

IMG_6034

Four: I went to the Kenny Chesney concert.  I thought it was good but not great.  He needs to get some tips from Taylor Swift.

IMG_5972


Five: My parents celebrated their 30 year wedding anniversary by spending it with my brothers and me and one of the best meals we have ever had.  Clearly the night was topped off with celebratory baby Guinness shots… I mean, how else would the Irish celebrate?

IMG_6222

Five: I stopped drinking whiskey!  That doesn’t help a ton but does make things a little better.  It didn’t help me learn to count any better apparently

Six: I cleaned my room, messed it up again, cleaned it again… it’s all been a vicious cycle

Seven: I have lost three shoes from three different pairs.  So there were once six shoes – there are now three shoes, one of each.

Eight: I re-watched the first season of True Detective rather than trying to force myself into the second season.  Fact – it’s even better the second time.  I love Louisiana

10-td.w529.h352.2x

I think those are the most earth shattering things to mention.  I hope everyone else has had as great a 28 days as I have!! And don’t worry, I’m really back – get ready, the rest of the summer is going to be blog worthy!

Now We’ve Got Bad Blog

Before I started working my favorite part of my day was waking up to blog.  That’s an exaggeration – my favorite parts of my day were sitting on my roof, playing with my dog and justifying drinking before 4:00 PM.  But blogging was in the top 5.  Now I feel like I never have time to do so.  And that isn’t true at all – two part time jobs does not equal the end of retirement.  I didn’t work at all yesterday but did I blog?  Nope… I think it’s because I feel like if I write a bad post I’ll get criticism or people will stop reading.  Wrong – people will stop checking if there are no posts and therefore they forget to read.  And out of sight out of mind is worse than in sight, in mind and disappointed, right?  I’ve never been one for outlines or goals or any of that nonsense, but maybe if I promise some upcoming posts, I’ll have to follow through with them.  Otherwise, how will The Young and Retired be read by English Royalty and American celebrities and then be picked up by Penguin Books and turned into a world wide best seller before being picked up by Paramount and turned into an Academy Award winning Blockbuster?

The following are the topics I plan to cover over the course of the next week:

Dating:  This will clearly have to be a whole series. I’ve only been on a handful of dates lately, and needless to say, I’m still single.  But I’ve been on a lot in the past and I think it would be beneficial for myself and all of the other single ladies to dive into the hilarity that is dating in 2015.  And all of those who are in healthy fun relationships can read and send sympathy.

Weddings: Wedding season deserves a series devoted to it as well.  This is my first big wedding year.  Over the course of the 13 months between November 2014 and December 2015 I have 6 weddings.  So far they have been fabulous and all so different.

Vagabond Summer: From working in a crazy restaurant to working in a calm quiet gym to sleeping all day on a Thursday, this is without a doubt the most unconventional my life has ever been, college aside.  Maybe we can analyze further what it’s doing to my mental state and how it’s helping (or not at all) my bank account and get into the plans for the future.  There are big plans coming up – it just seems more appropriate to make sure the details like living and jobs are confirmed before plastering them across the WWW.

The Subway:  I have some really deep thoughts about public transportation

That’s all for now – more to come.  Look at this, I just wrote a full blog post about needing to buckle down and write a blog post.  This isn’t so hard!! Now for the inspiration to dive into the others… I promise they’re coming if you promise to stay tuned!!

Shark Attack

A couple of years ago my maternal family was shocked to learn that DreamWorks would be making a movie about a big green ogre who shared their last name.  No one knew what an ogre was, at the time no one expected him to be remotely lovable, and it quickly became known that their last name meant “Fear” in German.

Thank goodness for the Irish.

I always thought this was funny because it really brought Shrek and me closer together and I could make fun of my cousins but I could hide behind my paternal last name and it was only something that people found out about me when I wanted to use it as a fun fact.

Karma has retaliated.

I would like to thank Eli Roth for taking on the project to make a movie about a shark named Meg.  I can’t even hide from this one once I’ve gotten married.  It was bad enough getting compared to the loser sister on Family Guy, but now I’m going to be a giant, prehistoric, man eating shark?  That just isn’t fair…

I learned of the project here: http://variety.com/2015/film/news/eli-roth-direct-giant-shark-thriller-meg-for-warner-bros-1201520955/

Get ready… I’m coming… Insert Jaws music here…

image image (1)

Chew This – Not That!

For reasons that I’ll address in length tomorrow, I spent a lot of time in bed today doing things like reading (read: sleeping) and scouring the internet for job ideas and life paths (read: watching YouTube videos.)

IMG_5353I am sorry if I post too much about my dog (I’m not, I’m reallllly not) but I just couldn’t pass up the opportunity to share this video with my favorite followers (yes, that’s you!) and those pet lovers who may stumble across my online repository of thoughts…

Why is it so hysterical when your dog is under your covers?  Why don’t they remember the things you JUST talked about?  How come my dog loves cheese but the internet says it’s going to kill her? Why did she have to roll around in the dog park today when I gave her a bath 24 hours before?! I’ve related to every moment of this at some point in the last year.

Enjoy!

How You Doin’? 

Pick up lines. We all have them. They’re primarily associated with men, but women have pick up lines too. My go-to conversation starter is ‘I can name every baseball team by division.’ (Insert seductive wink face here) 

  

It never works. 10 out of 10 times it turns into a challenge. And as I begin to do it the guy tells me they know who I’m missing the whole time. The worst is when I have 29/30 teams listed and let them tell me who I am forgetting. “THATS THE EASIEST ONE!” They always say. Right- because the Minnesota Twins have been super relevant in our lifetimes… 

  
My pick up line has adjusted a bit in the last two months. Now I usually start off with “Hey” (jump right to seductive wink face) “Go for Introductions; mention that we have something in common; add shameless plug about reading my blog.”  I assume that’s a solid reason for current single-ness. As my roommate so delicately says [my blog] “takes away a lot of the mystery in getting to know you.” And my mom always says “How are you going to explain that if a potential suitor reads it?!” Oh well.

  
Once, my roommate and I pretended to be each other when talking to two potential suitors in a bar. I introduced myself with her name, added that I was from Ohio and told him where she/I went to college. I found it hilarious. She decided to step in and do the same thing with his friend. She introduced herself with my name, said I was from New Orleans (well that’s not true) and then stared blankly when he asked where she went to college. She guessed and looked at me questionably. She was wrong. It didn’t work. People run away when you’re confused about your identity these days because you probably stole it. She’s since said she has started listening.

  
I am a sucker for a good pick up line. I’m tired of all the “you have beautiful eyes” nonsense. I know I do- all of your friends have told me. Be original. Catch me off guard with a solid “Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?” The cheesier the better. I’m a big fan of “I’m glad I brought my library card- cause I’m checking you out!” Although I guess that’s slightly outdated. Today it would be more like “I’m glad I have my Apple ID password with me because I’m purchasing you for $.99!” 

 
Keep up the good work out there ladies and gentlemen. And remember- the cheesier and more PG the pick up line, the faster we’ll get talking and the faster I’ll give you my web address and maybe even phone number.

  

Happy Birthday, Roommate!!

Good roommates are hard to come by.  My biggest nightmare is a dirty roommate who doesn’t drink and has anger issues.  Fortunately, I live with the opposite of that.   Here are a couple of things about my Roommate that you should know:

– When we met, I had had it with roommates.  I wanted to live alone or with a guy.  A mutual friend introduced us and told me she was the closest I would get to living with a guy.  And it’s true.  Especially now that I don’t have a job.  Roommate wakes up and goes to work every day and I sit around and sometimes cook, rarely but sometimes clean and wait for her to get home to tell me what the outside world is like.  It’s a great balance that I think I enjoy a lot more than she does.

Hooray!!

Hooray!!

– She’s super organized.  I don’t really believe in organization because I think it’s easier to find your clothes when they’re already on your floor.  Once, she sneaked (again – snuck, not a word) into my room and put together a shelf and organized my shoes.  When I load the dishwasher she waits until I leave the room and does it again – and never even complains.  It’s great because she would prefer I didn’t unload the dishwasher so she doesn’t have to re-do the Tupperware drawer.  This is the difference between our rooms when we pack:

10686683_10100371637138333_9035081314325411135_n

– She loves to drink.  She’s not the type to come home at night and open a bottle of wine because she had a rough Tuesday.  But I am.  I’m the type to come home and open a bottle of wine no matter what kind of Tuesday it is.  But I never have to worry about drinking alone because she will ALWAYS drink with you.  We’ve hit the point after all of these years when I say “do you want a glass” and she laughs and rolls her eyes.  Which means yes.  On the slim chance that she says no, I pour it anyway.  We live by the firm belief of no wine left behind.

See those empty bottles... They were full before my Roommate got to them

See those empty bottles… They were full before my Roommate got to them

– She’s really creative.  Whenever I need to cut something in a straight line, she does it for me.

– She’s a great listener.  When you put a glass of wine in front of her and start venting – she’ll sit there for hours.  Between listening to me complain about my job or dating, she deserves an award.


There are some things wrong with my roommate that you should know too:

– Her clothes are better than mine.  She’s been fashion forward since she was a baby…

ABContactPhotoView_FullscreenPhoto

Just a demonstration of her fantastic fashion sense

Fantastic fashion sense

– She eats the most random meals so there is never food to steal

– She’s obsessed with reality television to the point that she’s winning her Bachelor Fantasy League (yes- that is a thing)

Always drinking...

Always drinking…

– She’s a natural athlete.  She runs faster than me.  Once I accidentally missed a mile of a 5K and beat her but other than that she would win in a race.

winejess2

Yes, she hydrates after exercising with wine…

– Darcy likes her more than me.  She thinks Roommate is the cool-aunt and I’m the un-fun mom.  It brings out a jealous side of me that I’m not proud of.

Sometimes they get matching manis

Sometimes they get matching manis

What I’m trying to say is , it’s hard to find an organized-handicapped animal accepting-semi alcoholic who needs a place to live at the same time that you do.  I guess I just lucked out.  Happy Birthday Roommate!  I can’t wait to celebrate you being two years older than me for the next 25 days!

11009900_10100383659580263_1697189960254192393_n