Mary Poppins, You Have No Friends

I just had one heck of a Mary Poppins moment.  I’m sitting on my roof deck, over looking the city, drinking a glass of wine, eating cucumbers (read: cheese) and pondering what my next blog post should be about while my dog lays at my feet torturing an ice cube.  ALL OF THE SUDDEN there is this huge breeze – no, not breeze – it was a vicious gust of blustery wind, that comes through and starts to pull the umbrella out of my patio table.  So I held it down and decided to take it out of the table.  BUT – when I did – another life threatening gust came through and started to pull the umbrella, and me, along with it. And it was just like I was Mary Poppins.  Clearly I have my Long Champ sitting next to me filled with everything unnecessary and imaginable. And then my chimney sweep showed up to dance on my roof.

As I floated in the air, clicking together my ruby slippers and falling back to reality, I got to thinking… I don’t think I’ve ever seen Mary Poppins.  Bits and pieces here and there, but if you haven’t already guessed, I was more of a cartoon movie buff when I was little.  She just seems to be like one of those people who has things too good to be true.

Let’s start with the basics…

Her bag carries everything:  That’s not fair.  Even my precious (and officially pee-free) Long Champ can’t carry all of my unnecessary necessities as well as an extra pair of shoes and my dog.  The average American woman goes into work every day with at least four different bags.  You have your purse – obviously – because that’s what carries your wallet and seven tubes of lip gloss and VIP Panera card.  Then there’s your lunchbag, the adult version of a lunch box – which is just cost efficient and makes you look healthy.  Then you have your computer bag – because it needs it’s own bag and combining all of those bags would just be silly.  And then there is the bag that carries the shoes: The flip flops or Uggs (weather depending) for walking from the car to the office, the heels for your desk, the sneakers for your afternoon stroll at lunch and the flats for the drive home.  Nordstrom does not sell a bag that is insulated, with card slots, that has a protected computer compartment and four spaces for your shoes, and a freaking lamp or whatever else you pull out Mary… Get real!

She flies: Do you know how much of my life has been wasted commuting?  My friend sent me an article about it once and it was something absurd.  Like 40 years or 40 hours or something.  Maybe 1 year.  I can’t remember.  All I know is that the normal person starts their day by getting into a vehicle – whether that is a car or a bus or a train – and sitting in it until it arrives at their destination.  Of course Mary Poppins is going to love her job if she doesn’t have an hour in the morning and an hour and a half every night to sit and think about how much she hates it and wishes she was back in her bed.

She is served the perfect job on a platter:  Those kids were perfect.  No one goes into a job knowing everything – I don’t care how much experience you have.  Not to mention, those children would never have been so well behaved.  I’m pretty sure their parents were too rich to have time for them and in reality the girl would have been dating Aaron Hernandez (too soon?) and the boy would have been dealing heroin.  Unless Mary Poppins had a hell of a therapy background, she was not winning them over with a spoon full of sugar… unless it was the kind you snort.  No one has ever gone into an ideal situation at work – whether it’s because they fired the guy before you and you have a mess to deal with or because the company is in shambles.  No one believes your lies, Mary!!

Cleaning with a snap of her fingers:  This is where I get really worked up.  This doesn’t work.  Believe me, I’ve tried.  When my roommate and I moved into our apartment it was a disaster and we kept saying we wished we could just Mary Poppins the place.  But despite what that bitch wants you to believe, Mary Poppins is not a verb.  Every time I have to pack or clean or organize I think about how much I hate her.  It’s like she never had to bend down and pick something up a day in her life.  The rest of us have standing monthly chiropractor appointments and thank God for deep closets and their doors – and she sits in her spotless living room and whistles with the local pigeons.

SO – what have we learned today?  Mary Poppins was an over pretentious jerk.  Set out to make all normal people look bad.  Am I jealous of her? Yes – slightly.  And you are too!  She was always well dressed, didn’t have car payments and could fit her juicer in her purse.  But she was definitely an overachiever who had no friends.  The wind didn’t pull me away – there’s not a creepy, dirty man dancing on my roof (be honest – Dick van Dyke has let himself get creepy) and my room is decently organized (don’t look in the closets.)  And after my third glass of wine I am going to have just as beautiful a singing voice.

So there, Mary!

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