I am too young to be retired. Let’s start there. And I don’t mean retired in some fancy Paris Hilton or Christian Grey capacity where I was born into more money than I could ever spend or I was so successful out of college that I now have garages full of cars and sexual fetishes that are justifiable. I am retired because I have no idea what to do with my life. I am extremely envious of those individuals who know in the first grade that they are going to be a teacher or realize in college their calling is to be a surgeon. At this point, I’m even jealous of those who are expected to follow into the family business. I just don’t know what I want to do.
For a long time, I thought life was designed into a list of steps that were to be followed in some form of the following:
1- Be born
2- Go to school
3- Get a job
4- Get married
5- Have kids
7- Live the dream
However, in the last month, I’ve realized it seems to skew a little:
1 – Be born
2 – Master your motor skills
3 – Go to pre-school. Learn the ABCs, count to 10, be nice to people and to the best of your ability, learn to share
4 – Elementary school
5 – Think you’re excited for middle school. Get there. Suffer bullying. Fail for the first time. Think you know what love feels like. Make it out alive.
6 – Journey to high school. Think you’re ready for it. Figure out what subjects you love. Figure out what subjects you hate. Suffer bullying. Make your best friends. Fall in love. Break someone’s heart. Learn to drive. Pick a college and think you know what you’re doing.
7 – Go to college. Move out. Miss your mom. Make your actual best friends. Fall in love with a baseball player. Go abroad. Focus in subjects you think will benefit your future. Binge drink on the weekends. Fall in love with a basketball player. Work part time. Stress about your future. Fall in love with a soccer player. Relish the day when graduation becomes a reality. Assume things will fall into place.
8 – Get a job.
9 – Start said job.
10 – Wonder why other people like their jobs.
11 – Realize you hated your major
12 – Start a countdown to retirement
13 – Realize how many years that is and instead keep your eyes open for rich eligible bachelors
14 – Date someone awful
15 – Have your heart broken
16 – Move out for real
17 – Learn to share an apartment and bills and pots and pans
18 – Decide you’re adult enough to live alone
19 – Learn how much bills suck. And buying things. Because everything costs money. Seriously, everything.
20 – Find a great roommate and a great apartment.
21 – Eventually find a job you like
22 – Start to think breaks come easy
23 – Get bored with the job. Wonder why your apartment is always leaking. Realize mercury must have been in retrograde during #22
24 – Get medicated. Thank yourself and wonder why you fought it for so long.
25 – Learn that rejection isn’t the end of the world. It’s not even that bad after a while. Kelly Clarkson was right – what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
26 – Get a job you think you like more. Maybe so much that this could be what those adults call “a career.”
27 – Realize you aren’t getting any younger – maybe you should fill the children void with a dog, just to buy some time with your foot-tapping mother
28 – Have the brutal realization that even at work, there is still bullying. Especially with women. Learn never to work with only jealous, miserable, insecure and nasty women.
29 – Know who you are. Maybe not what you want to do. But that you believe in yourself and would rather be bullied by losers than hand it out to anyone.
30 – Take control of your own life. Leave said prospective career.
31 – Realize who the people are that you really need – and that it’s about quality over quantity.
32 – Go on a really long vacation in the shining light of the United States – the deep south.
33 – Force yourself to get on your return flight. Get home and spend a lot of quality time with your dog
34 – Try to figure out what you were meant to do
35 – Kill the time by starting a blog
Unfortunately I’m not sure what the next steps are. Those seem to be the most significant thus far. I missed a few really important ones like make out with a celebrity, join a book club, buy your first car and run a 5K. But isn’t it interesting the way it skews from the original plan? The plan that it seems everyone else is following. Maybe they aren’t. Maybe I’m not the only one who has no idea how to get her life together. But this seems like a good outlet into figuring it out. I’ll keep tabs on my attempts towards success and clarity and deep thriving life long love and keep the internet posted. It can’t possibly be that hard, right?